No Homo

Dear Homophobic Rapper,

I understand that whenever you plan to be violent to another man, you rap about it and then say “No Homo.” I understand that you say this because you do not want your lyrics to make it sound like you are gay. I do want to ask you though, why is it that the violence always involves penetrating the man in some way? It makes people wonder if you are, in fact, “No Homo.”

Simply through better planning, I think that you could illustrate your aggression in a way that is clear and doesn’t lead people to misunderstand your intentions. For instance, you could run the man over in your car. You could hit the man with a baseball bat. You could throw him off a cliff. All ways that are very clearly not suggestive of your deeply hidden homosexuality. You could even punch the man.

As long as you do not use the word “fist” as a verb.

Yours truly,

Jake