The Handyman

My landlord hires a man that he swears is a "very good plumber." In all honesty, I don’t think he’s ever been hired to do plumbing, but he has installed locks for the doors in our house. Because anyone who reads this blog now knows that a plumber is responsible for our home security, I don’t think I’ll mention my address anytime soon.

After his last visit he somehow got wood chips into my room. I don’t know how, but they’re everywhere and they do not go away. I think he’s given us Home Improvement Herpes.

Yesterday I started finding screws on the floor. I am not excited to find out what I’ll be finding next.

Reality

I have an irrational fear that reality is not what I have been experiencing all my life. I think one day I will realize that everything I thought I knew is completely wrong.

When I'm in the shower I will always eventually turn the cold knob down to raise the temperature of the water. Some mornings the shower seems to get colder when I turn the down the cold knob. Have the knobs been reversed? I know that this knob is the cold knob., I think. Oh, no! Instantly I close my eyes tight and put my pruny fingers to my face in horror and whisper, "not now! not like this!"

The Roach

Three days ago, among the skyscrapers of toothpaste in the medicine cabinet of my bathroom, I found a cockroach. I admitted to myself that my roommate was right after all.

After winding toilet paper around my hand, I went after the bug and smooshed it to oblivion under my hand. I grabbed it through the paper and quickly let it go over the waste basket. To my surprise, nothing fell. I looked. There were no cockroach guts on the toilet paper.

I forgot about it.

Today, he was spotted while I flossed. I did not try to get him, as he is obviously some sort of cockroach Jesus.

The Owl

In my office there is a shelf that stores old computers and a large porcelain owl. The owl sits high on the shelf, scowling down at me menacingly with giant glass eyes. Every day I scowl back at it: never trusting it, wishing it would crash to the ground and shatter.

Because we are moving to the new building, men have come in and removed the old computers during the past few days. Now only the owl and a laser jet printer remain on the shelf.

I am noticing that my evil feathered officemate, up there on his little porcelain stump, looks lonely.
And, upon his inevitable flight to Building 34, I will too.

Not a High Five

There is always that awkward moment when someone waves to you and you wave back, and then you realize that they haven't even noticed you when they say hello to the person behind you.

Worse is when that wave-initiator is your boss.
Worse is when he's at that distance that you mistake the wave for a high-five.
Worse is when you enthusiastically hit Dr. B in front of his office-mate who happens to be right behind you.

Supplies

There is a back way into the supply room at work that I use to smuggle office supplies. No one sees as I roll the giant spool of bubble wrap back to my office.
Some of the contract employees are beginning to wonder among themselves where all the rubber bands have gone.

They will never take the Reams-of-copy-paper fort... Not after I finish the mechanical pencil ballista.

Elton John

I am a fan of Elton John. This is a problem because I work in the room with all the printers.
Whenever anyone prints something they get front row tickets to my lip-sync concert: tribute to the music of the Lion King.

I wonder if it's more awkward for me or them? I wonder if it affects people's printing habits? Perhaps I am saving the forests.

The Urinal

In my bathroom at work there is one urinal. It is extraordinarily short and I get anxious because I have new shoes.
You'd think that NASA would be able to afford adult urinals.

Perhaps they're thinking of the little people. Like that great TLC show.